Winners & Losers of Week 9



Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens hung 37 on the Patriots Sunday night. That is an incredible sentence to type seeing as how the Patriots had allowed less than a touchdown per game in their 8-0 start. The Ravens defense gave Tom Brady migraines, and Lamar Jackson continued his bid to be the first passer to pass for 3,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. This Greg Roman led-offense racked up 210 rushing yards against a Pats unit that looked demoralized by the fourth quarter. Jackson accounted for three touchdowns.  There truly hasn’t been a player with his mix of athleticism and quarterback ability since Michael Vick. Cam Newton was never as fast or shifty as a Vick or Jackson, he was a bruising runner (hasn’t aged well). Cam also had never completed more than 60% of his passes until last season. Jackson, through 8 games, has completed 64% of his passes. Lamar is also averaging nearly 6.4 yards a carry and has scored 5 touchdowns with his legs. He’s a truly special player that doesn’t really have an analog in the NFL.

Jimmy Garoppolo

This guy goes out on Halloween night, is 28 for 37 for 317 yards and four touchdowns, and to top it all off calls Erin Andrews baby in the postgame interview. jimmy g.pngStop the voting right now the NFL has found its MVP. His team is the last undefeated team in football, the offense is clicking, the defense is animalistic, and Jimmy G is just a baller. He hasn’t looked great in every game this season, but clearly, the guy isn’t suffering from a lack of confidence. The guy behaves as if he’s already won a Super Bowl and he’s a much bigger star than he actually is. Put this guy in a line-up and I guarantee my mom wouldn’t be able to tell you which one was the 49’ers starting quarterback. But somehow, it works. Garoppolo has toed the line between confidence and unappealing cockiness that Baker Mayfield is a noted purveyor of. The 49’ers look primed for an extended playoff run and I’m sure this isn’t the last eccentricity we’ll see from Jimmy G.

Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals are on the winner’s side of this column for two reasons this week; 1) they moved into pole position for the number one pick, 2) Cincinnati was spared a week of bad football. The Miami Dolphins disemboweled their former coach’s New York Jets on Sunday. The Jets offense resembles a sketch comedy troupe. Sam Darnold is still jumping at shadows and throwing balls six inches higher than his receiver’s outstretched hands. The Dolphins got the yearly Ryan Fitzpatrick game, he threw for 288 yards and three touchdowns. In so doing he might’ve torpedoed their draft chances. I’m a Bengals fan, and a noted fatalist when it comes to their chances. However, I think even the most optimistic of Bengals’ fans would tell you that there is not a shot in hell that new starting QB Ryan Finley is good. He’s being thrown into one of the worst offensive systems in the league with an unproven coordinator at the helm. Finley will also have the misfortune of playing behind an offensive line comprised of guys that wouldn’t start for the Bullpups. This is a good thing! This means the Bengals will lose! They’re only eight games away from the No. 1 pick and Tua Tagovoiloa, Joe Burrow, or Justin Herbert! Here’s praying the Bengals lose the right way.


Green Bay Packers

The perennially overrated Packers occupy the same designation once again this year. Aaron Rodgers had a couple of games that gave off a faint whiff of the Aaron Rodgers of old and everyone lost their minds. I’m here to tell you they are an absolute mirage. Green Bay barely scraped by against a Mahomes-Less Chiefs team last week. This was enough to convince people that they would steamroll the wishy-washy Chargers. Not so. The Chargers dominated the time of possession and didn’t let the much-discussed Matt LeFleur offense score a touchdown until the fourth quarter. The Packers are first in the NFC-North and are probably the best team in that division. However, that speaks to the quality of the division and not the quality of this team.

The BIGGEST LOSER of the Week


How much do you think this guy regrets the facial hair hijinks he engaged in before and after the game? This picture doesn’t reach meme immortality if not for that horrible, sad, mustache. You lose a game like the Browns lost to the Broncos on Sunday, and you shave the mustache before the presser. There is no way, no conceivable way that coming out with a different mustache is going to help your public optics. On top of that, he pulled out a John Candy sized peacoat that made him look like a stumblebum who probably has an MD/2020 bottle hidden in one of the coat pockets. Keep prospering Cleveland!

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